K.I. Storeim (coriander_kiss) wrote,
K.I. Storeim
coriander_kiss

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shhh.

Tonight I felt a moment of peace for the first time in about a week. But now all the stress and pain is back. It wouldn't be so bad if I had a clue why all of a sudden everybody I love (with several exceptions) hates me with such fiery passion. I guess I need to read "Julius Caesar" again. One thing I've realized is that I definitely judged Cammie too quickly. I feel guilty now for refusing to listen to her when she begged me to. Now I understand that being spontaneously hated by a group of people is both painful and confusing, and that if my mind hadn't been poisoned by the attitudes of my "friends" I would have been more inclined to at least hear what she had to say. Although to my credit I had personal grievances that had nothing to do with "the group," I wish now that I'd been able to offer her that little comfort.

I feel so hurt by what people have said to me (through this impersonal media), and I feel afraid to ask anyone to listen. I'm afraid they wouldn't understand how hurt I am, or that if they saw how deeply I am grieving, they would think I was weak or foolish. I'm terrified of running into the group, because I know that in their hearts they carry as much evil as love, and bestow these with equal vigor, but without much discernment. I read that it is as wrong to back away when one is hurt as it is to return the aggression, but like George W. Bush, I feel I have few alternatives (unlike Bush my current plan is to back away). John Lennon once said "fight, then run away; live to fight another day." I don't believe he was the first to say this, but I know he said it once. The point is that I have no idea how to react to this situation, and my pain and anger are threatening to overcome what little prudence I have.

I haven't felt like this since fifth grade, when the exact same thing happened to me. Of course, back then it was justified. I have gradually come to realize that my behavior was unacceptable, and that my friend gave me fair warning before turning his back on me. That said, he was wrong to torment me for so long...a healthy person would have simply said goodbye and left it at that. And the same is true this time. Only this time I didn't do anything to deserve it. Yeah...so Jordan would have been perfectly justified in leaving me. We weren't a good couple and we both openly acknowledged that fact. But instead, he deliberately humiliated me and betrayed me; whereas he could have just said goodbye. Had he told me that our relationship was over instead of kissing me and saying he had missed me, I would be more willing to accept his behavior. But this random hatred on the part of my friends is completely unjustified, and even moreso is the abuse I have suffered at their hands. Another difference between what they're doing to me and what I did to Cammie is that I did not insist on tormenting her and belittling her every other day. I didn't lead her on by pretending that I would forgive her and then using her confidences as ammunition against her. I didn't betray her and I didn't treat her with such reckless disregard for basic human dignity. She went her way and I went mine. And when my friends spoke ill of her, I didn't join, and I was the one who spoke out against their cruel treatment of her after she was gone. I wonder what my new nickname is. I wonder if anyone is sticking up for me at all.

I wonder if they still care about me the way I still care about them. I wonder if they have any remote sensitivity to the fact that they are causing me pain far and beyond any I could have ever caused them, whether I wanted to or not. Which I didn't and I don't. Not right now, anyway. I mean, I'm angry beyond belief, and I hate the way they're acting and will never forget these transgressions. However, if any one of them ever needed me, I would help them as I could, and I sort of hate myself for that. Because nobody deserves the treatment I've received, and I wouldn't be hypocritical enough to turn it back on them, even though I would be tempted.

Okay. That's all for now.
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